In Sickness and in Health

I have been thinking about commitment lately, about who we care for and why and how, about the fifty/fifty nature of a relationship, the willingness to give and take, about marriage vows and family vows and friend vows and lover vows, both spoken and unspoken.

We take no vows when we make new friends, yet the commitment from a friend can be the fiercest we know. It is not a coincidence that I just read "Let's Take the Long Way Home" by Gail Caldwell, a story of the most impassioned, meaningful friendship between two women. Over the past few months, I have been cared for by friends, by friends of more than 30 years who know me better than I know myself, by friends made in the past year with whom I have formed powerful bonds, and even by friends made in the last month. What I realized is that the give and take of friendship is based on mutual openness and sharing, by a willingness to be there for someone else and put yourself in the other's shoes, even when the shoes are sticky or sweaty or bloody or ugly. What I also know is that I love my best friends, no vows necessary, yet I wish there was, in fact, some ceremony which honors these relationships.

We take no vows when we are born into a family, inheriting people with common blood who we may or may not like, acquiring siblings, inlaws and step-families along the way. No vow is necessary for me to know that I will do anything - anything! - for my family members closest to me, and the feeling is absolutely reciprocated. It's not obligation, it is love at the deepest level.

The classic marriage vow includes the commitment to care "in sickness and in health". I truly can't remember if I included this in my mid-70's marriage commitment, yet here I am, separated, on my way to divorce, knowing that not only will I care emotionally for my ex for life, but, in fact, will be caring financially as well due to his health issues. This bothered a man I was dating recently, bothered him enough for us to end the relationship, in fact. I had taken no vows with this new man, had merely opened my heart to him in the opening stage of love, and learned that we had different notions of give and take.

We have to sign agreements online before we can submit personal information to a website. We have to sign NDA's when engaging in early business relationships. We have to get licenses to drive and hunt and fish, but not to form friendships or have children or date where we have the ability to grow love or inflict hurt. Those unspoken vows of honesty and caring are supposed to be enough, and thankfully, they usually are.

Now Is The Time

Now that I have emerged from the dark cloud of heartbreak, I have re-entered a world in which people close to me are suffering. This week alone, two women close to me learned of ominous lumps in their breasts requiring exploration and treatment. My frail and wonderful aunt, with whom I have the strongest bond of love and trust one could ever imagine or hope for, is facing surgery, if only she can get strong enough to withstand it. A best friend is facing ovarian cancer in two of the women closest to her in her life. And another friend has lost the ability to sleep due to his obviously damaged back.

So why am I writing about this? Because yet another friend lost someone this week with whom he had lost touch, someone he had meant to call, meant to email and didn't, and he is now filled with regret. And his experience has provided a halo over all the other ones for me as a reminder that now is the time to let people know how you feel about them in both actions and in words.

I think about the practice at the Jewish New Year of the tradition to reflect on your actions of the prior year which you regret and do something about them, make contact with those with whom you had disagreements, resolve differences so you can move on. I believe there is a parallel practice of equal importance which is to show the people you care about that you care. Now. If not now, when. Shower the people you love with love, right James?

Interesting Women

Last week, a man I'm pretty crazy about posted on Facebook that he had just had a glass of wine with "one of the most interesting women I (he) had ever met". He was not talking about me.


After I got over my momentary pang of jealousy, I got to thinking about the interesting women I have met recently, and there have been many. In fact, since my separation, I have been meeting an extraordinary number of incredible people, men and women, and it's gotten me wondering about friendships: how and when they're formed, and how and when we are open to them.


I have two best friends, the best friends any one could ever hope for, (one of whom I am pictured with here), interesting women who I have known and loved since my 20's. Together, though often in different cities, we have lived through birth, death, heartbreak, joy, extreme illness, and extreme fun. Our connections are deep and irreplaceable. Through the 33 years of my marriage, these two women remained my best friends and still are, and I made only a handful of other truly close friends.


Since I've been on my own, though, I have met and rapidly formed close friendships with so many more women . Just yesterday I had lunch in NYC with a new friend I had met in Boulder two weeks ago. As soul sisters, we had connected immediately, and I know that I will know her for the rest of my life. And a similar thing keeps happening wherever I go. It's not that I am suddenly less discerning, nor that I am just imagining these bonds with interesting women. The reality is that I am more open to new relationships, more willing and ready to reveal myself and connect with new people than I had been while married.


So, while I too, could post on Facebook that "yesterday I had lunch with one of the most interesting women I have ever met", I prefer to celebrate this new friendship, bask in the glow of this new bond. Maybe it's a guy thing to need to compare and rank people, or maybe it was just a woman thing to read comparison into that original FB posting, but regardless, I think about welcoming interesting people into my tribe. In addition, I also realize that should I ever end up in a committed or long term relationship with a man in the future, I will never again turn off that part of me which is open to connecting with new people and forming new close bonds. There are just too many interesting people in the world to get to know and enjoy!