He's Leaving Home, Bye Bye

Today is the day my son, my wonderful, interesting, sometimes maddening, I'd-do-anything-in-the-world-for him, first-born child is moving out on his own. Nick is moving across the country, having reached his goal of saving enough money to give himself the cushion he thinks he needs to launch his adult life on his own terms. I am so proud of him, so happy for him, so sad to know that his presence will no longer be in my home or my city.

Nick's launch is so different from my own, so much better planned than my impetuous hitchhiking across the country to a Berkeley that sounded cool to my 19 year old self and offered a possibility of a new beginning for me. And yet, with all his planning, I suppose the thing that I am most excited about for Nick is the fact that really, he has no idea what is in store for him. As he pursues his difficult career choice as an actor, as he dives into a city which he has not yet even visited but has elected to try out as home, as he lives without the shelter of parents to cushion some of the everyday blows, Nick is bound to hit bumps and walls, serendipitous delights and moments of fear and despair. And he is ready for it, or at least as ready as any of us are for living life on our own two feet.

Bravo Nick. Safe launch. Oh, how I'll miss you here in San Francisco and oh, how proud this mother is. I'm just wondering how I'll get through this day...

Love Letter

25 years ago today I began a love relationship with a - then boy,now - man that continues to grow and evolve. I had no idea what I was getting into, was scared, excited, anticipatory, and completely ignorant of what it would take to make this relationship work. I thought I knew; I had read book after book, had tried to make myself as prepared as possible, had tried to keep myself looking good for the part, had created an inviting love nest. And then it happened. The relationship began. My beautiful son, Nicholas, was born.

I was such a scared new mother, and he was such a fussy newborn. I was an accomplished professional completely thrown by all I didn't know about being a mother and the lack of mentors or handbooks for the role. Nick was an accomplished miracle of nature and ready to learn everything, no handbooks necessary. What a pair! But somehow we stumbled and experimented and giggled and cried our way through calamities and challenges, school projects and performances, humiliations and triumphs. While Nick and his encyclopedic brain devoured one subject after another, I learned ( and often forgot) about rain forests, dinosaurs, baseball and the military so that I could be part of his world.

The thing that I never understood as a new mother was that ultimately there would be two measures of whether or not this relationship was successful. The first measure was if he could leave me. And the second measure was if, after leaving, we could develop a new version of our relationship, one in which we continue to love just as intensely, but not be so needy of one another.

And so, here on the amazing occasion of Nick's 25th birthday, I am not decorating his room with streamers nor carefully building a cake shaped like a castle. The boy for whom that would be wonderful has, indeed, left me. Instead, throughout the weekend, I'll be listening to music at clubs with this great guy who is at the top of my list of favorite dates. That we cook together, confide in each other, listen to music together, and then go our separate ways is as good as I ever need life to get. Happy Birthday, Nick!