Thursday, December 8, 2011

Plus One

As a professional woman, and an executive who raised children while my career was growing, I have been to many a company gathering where spouses and significant others were invited and I never got to know any of the wives, the "plus ones". I usually assumed I couldn't possibly have anything in common with them, and that they probably resented my position as a working mom when most of them were stay-at-home moms, supporting their husbands, my peers. Shame on me. How silly, ignorant, and close-minded.

Why am I writing this? Because I was a "plus one" the other night, attending a company holiday party with the man in my life, and I got to experience something new. I got to experience what it's like to be the woman at the table who most assume is not worth talking to, is not going to have an interesting conversation or point of view. I got to see what it was like for no one to want to talk to me based on my position or accomplishments, and it was a powerful lesson.

I had nothing to prove; I was there to be with someone important to me, to see a part of his world and meet some of the characters in it. I knew that some people at the party, but not all, knew of my existence in his life, and that this party was about him and his company, not about me and mine. And yet, it was sobering to be ignored and trivialized at the dinner. Why did it happen? I think I was likely ignored because I was a woman, the girlfriend, the arm candy. We both silently enjoyed the moment when someone at the dinner table finally asked me a question about my work, and based on my response, the conversation all shifted in my direction. But that's not the point. The point is that until that moment, I was no one, persona non importa. And that I have treated others in the same way.

One woman sought me out during the cocktail hour, and I was so grateful to her. Her warmth and inclusion meant so much. I know this is going to change the way I approach my next gathering, one in which my peers and their plus ones will be making merry. And I just hope that others, especially other professional women, think about the same thing at their next gatherings this holiday season.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this one, Lisa. As a perennial plus one, I got used to getting to answer one question (at the many Master of The Universe events my husband and I attended), "What do you do?" As soon as I replied, "Stay at home mom." The questioner's eyes would glaze over, and my moment of personhood was quickly revoked.

    Fortunately, I knew (know) what my value was (is), and didn't let their rudeness dull my evening. More than once someone would engage my husband in conversation, and end up talking to me instead, as my interests were often more varied than his.

    Still, it's nice when someone like you (successful, brilliant, beautiful, talented!) reflects on the fact that even though a woman might wear sweats, not a suit to work, her value is not diminished.